The Greatest Threat to Your Sex Drive
What is the greatest threat to a woman's sex drive and libido? Researchers have found that, ironically, being in a secure long term relationship almost guarantees that a woman will lose interest in sex. And they have documented how long that takes. Within four years from the beginning of the relationship a woman’s desire for sex drops by 50%. And during the same time her partner’s desire for sex decreases not at all. Houston, we have a problem.
Research on Sex and Security
The BBC reports that a team of German researchers from Hamburg-Eppendorf University Hospital interviewed over 500 men and women about their relationships. Writing in the journal Human Nature, the researchers asked 30 year old women in a secure, long term relationship how often they wanted sex at different times during their long term, secure relationship.
At the beginning of their relationships, 60% reported that they wanted sex “often”. But, after 4 years in the relationship the number of them that say they want sex “often” drops to under 50%. After 20 years, only about 20% of them say they want sex “often”.
As to the men in the study, 60% to 80% said they wanted regular sex throughout the duration of the relationship, with no significant drop in desire over the time spent in the relationship.
Interestingly enough, 90% of the women said they wanted tenderness regardless of the length of the relationship while only 25% of men wanted tenderness after 10 years.
The researchers speculated on the reasons that this happens, suggesting that the women may be having sex with other men; or they may be withholding sex in the belief that by keeping sex scarce her partner value it more.
It is also possible that she has just lost interest because of boredom or familiarity creating a sense of complacency. Certainly, if the sex hasn’t been meeting all her needs, it’s safe to assume the loss of interest will only happen that much more quickly.
Regardless of why it happens, the real question is what to do about this mismatch of sexual needs in so many otherwise fulfilling relationships.
What This Means for the Man
What are the options for the man in one of these asymetric relationships? One possibility is to seek sex outside the relationship. Many men seek out other partners who do desire sex after their partner has lost interest. This solution is discouraged by society and has many pitfalls â€" not the least of which is the risk of losing the long term partner he may still care deeply for.
Another possibility would be to settle for a life of self-denial or self gratification. Not much passion or joy in that option, but many men end up in just this situation. Sometimes this just becomes unacceptable and it adversely affects other aspects of the relationship. It is unlikely that a man will feel and express tenderness for someone when his needs are not being met.
Or, he could create a situation in which the relationship is no longer secure, or is no longer the same old relationship. Arguments, walking out and then making up again may renew the woman’s interest when she fears the loss, but you really have to have a taste for conflict to take this approach.
What This Means for the Woman:
What are the options for the woman? Should she just accept that her desire has waned and assume that her partner will choose the self-denial or self-gratification options?
It depends on how comfortable she is that the guy will not seek sexual fulfillment outside the relationship.
The most important thing for a woman to realize is that although her desire for sex with her partner has diminished â€" he is still at the same relative level of desire as when the relationship was new. She ignores his needs at the peril of the relationship that has her feeling so secure.
And, that tenderness she still desires is not likely to be forthcoming from a guy who is feeling sexually frustrated, taken for granted and not appreciated for what he does. Few men will enjoy repeated rejections from someone that used to want sex with them but has since lost interest. Especially when his feelings haven’t changed at all.
And, correcting this imbalance is not just the responsibility of the man. After all â€" he isn’t the one that has changed. If he is smart, he will be an active and enthusiastic participant. But it would undoubtedly be in both partner’s long term interest for the woman to take an active role in the reawakening of her sexuality â€" in the context of the secure relationship.
Communication, Imagination, and Toys
Communication is one key. Asking for what we want (not demanding it), especially when it comes to sexual needs, is perhaps the most difficult kind of conversation to have. In doing so we open ourselves up to disapproval, disappointment, rejection, or ridicule. It is extremely important for both partners to be able to express their needs and to say, without anger or recrimination, whether those needs are being met.
In doing so we give someone the keys to our happiness â€" the knowledge of what we really want. That information should be handled in a non-judgemental manner â€" with an open mind and a desire to become consenting adults once again.
Like wise men and women have said for eons, the most important part of the body when it comes to sex is the mind. Imagination is the most reliable antidote to the familiarity and predictability of long term sexual partnership.
The man must capture and lead a woman’s imagination to recreate and recapture those times when the love was new, when she was giving herself over to the feelings of attraction that she once felt â€" and really would like to feel once more.
It is ironic that the time that chocolates, flowers, poetry and fragrances may be most needed in your relationship is when you have been together 4 or more years, instead of when your love is new. And, it can only help to supplement that imagination and communication with time tested (and perhaps scientifically proven) tools, toys and techniques.
Phil Billitz - Phil is a handwriting analyst, poet, photographer, technologist and addicted to Argentine Tango. You will want to request free samples of pheromone products at <A HREF="http://www.thelovestroke.com/ss_pheromones.htm">Pheromones and Love</a>; then sign up to receive free romantic poetry at <A HREF="http://www.thelovestroke.com/ss_cyrat.htm">Modern Love Poems</a>; and when things inevitably start going your way, you will want to read
<A HREF="http://www.thelovestroke.com/ss_contraceptive_comparison.htm">Comparison of Contraceptive Methods</a> and shop the related links.
Read more at: . |
